dongle distress

Cheryls been pissing me off something chronic. Shes been teasing me all day, reckoning shes got a dongle. I've been on the internet all night and read a whole dictionary but I can't find out what it is.

It's either a bit of a black man, something from Ann Summers, a horrible disease around the nethers or some sort of vile animal Ive narrowed it down to.

I hate not knowing stuff and she knows it.

Or it might be something to control those bloody girls with so it cant be all bad.

bleeding horrible

Just look at Reggie - she's got a job at Big Bo Peeps out on the ringroad. Everything on the menus lamb and mutton. I reckon she'll get molested in this get up if she aint careful. We'll sort the fuckers out, pull there eyes out. I dont think girls should work, bt they need money for poneys and stuff.

Ronnies got a job too -those girls have to do everything together. Shes one of the sheep and theyve run out of uniforms at the moment.

Im not even going to talk about Auntie Caitlins wedding yet - we're still all in shock. Give me a week or two and I might put some pictures on but only because Cheryls telling me too.

Then the guinea pig was sick all down the back of the computer and weve been off line for nearly a month. I kept getting dodgy computers from Sideways Freddy down the George but they didnt work.

the twinses 18th

Its been buggery here the last few weeks what with the twins 18th and Caitlins wedding.

Above are some shots from the 18th. Not many people know that the girls were actually triplets but we couldnt afford 3 and let Caitlin have one (dont tell the adoption agencys - we did it for cash and a Vauxhall Viva!)

Top two pictures show the twins and the other one Ameratta. Third pic is a jug of tequila sunrise - we got through 23!

Bottom pic is of the party after presents and before the projectile vomiting!

caitlins hen night

Im being abandoned this Friday - Cheryl Ronnie and Reggie are going to Caitlins hen night (and Little Marsh is away on bad boys camp). I've got to stay in and look after that fucking guinea pig so I've had to cancel my night out with the boys for the first time in 14 years. There will be hell to pAY! Especially if they come back drunk.

The odd thing is that theres no stag night for us blokes. In fact nobodies found out what Caitlins blokes called yet and none of us have met him. Perhaps therell be a surprise do for us all??

march of the zombies

I've just watched Corpses. Zombies are GREAT! Reggie goes a bit zombieish like above when we all ran off. You can eat people and your dead and alive all at the same time.

Films are great - Ive got hundreds on DVD and there like a window to a world I'll probably never visit - unless I get bitten by one of the fuckers!

The twins and their little Roumanian friends

Ronnie and Reggie have been looking after a couple of Roumanian orphan girls this week, part of their punishment for heavy drinking and staying out late. These girls are called Holina and Shaniska. I made them sleep in the shed as their not used to our ways. We all cried when they went mainly because we were getting £300 a week each for looking after them. We fed them on scraps and made them walk everywhere so it was pure profit.

my mates - Bobby the Bone

This is Bobby in typical stance, half empty glass, half open eyes.

But hes an intellectual. He reads a posh paper (the mail), speaks French (parley voo anyway) and knows the difference between red wine and white.

He dont have tomato sauce, only ketchup and he was there when his kid (greenstick) was born.

He kn ows the names of seven different countries and he often gets us out of fights by blinding opponants with his sharp wit, if that dont work he blinds them with a spoon.

they think their it

Bloody lorry drivers. First they hold up every road in the country with their stupid lorries then they have a fuel protest trying to get free petrol to make it even worse. Tony Brown should put them all on the dole, melt their lorrys down and give all the money to us decent working folk so we can buy free petrol.

so what happens tonight? I'm down the George with Ginger, Alby and the Bone and some of these buggers starts on us apparently they heard me describe them as fat dishevelled greasy lardarse stupid scumbags or something similar. I dont like strikers. they shouldnt be allowed. Obviously I agree with what they stand for. Poor old Ginger got a greenstick fracture but he managed to get one of there eyes out. Shoved it in a bag of pork scratchings!

Bloody commies I hate them.

coddling 'em

When I was a kid diabetics used to have to just watch as we ate our Milky Ways and Caramacs. They knew there place. Now look what the buggers get! No doubt its all free paid for by the hardworking taxpayer. Stop giving diabetics free chocolate and all them benefits and they could make petrol a penny a pint.

outrageous

Well i wont pay it - neither will most of my mates on facebook.

They should never have got rid of pounds shilings and groats - petrol was about 4/6d then.

aunty caitlin surprises us all!

This is Aunty Caitlin, Barely Functionings sister. Shes surprised us all by announcing to us that shes getting married on 21st June! A big Bowells wedding - brilliant! No-one knows who the 'lucky' fellow is, she aint telling. Shes 61 and never been married, though there was talk of a J I during the war. Shes always been more into horses and donkeys, and Casualty.


Were talking her into having Ronnie and Reggie as bridesmaids.


And Little Marsh as page boy, love him!

marshys week

I bought this for Little Marsh last week. Yeah, I know hes only 14 but his feet reach the pedals and itll only be round the estate and perhaps the odd trip to the seaside or Poundstretcher for his mum. I wouldn't want him riding a bike with all them pervs and philes around.


What pillows should be like. I bought a couple of these off the BNP website and they arrived yesterday. Imagine having a romp with the Queen Mum with these on the bed - I reckon the ol gal would do anything for a loyal subject when hes flying the flag as it were!


Caught this bleeding badger in my kitchen eating a fucking rat. probably got it from Desmond next door. The fucker then washed it down with a bottle of Cheryls favourite lambrusco ...


Ronnie and Reggie outside the new car holding that bloody guinea pig thing what tried to escape when Cheryl opened the door. If it aint careful itll be nailed to the wall or sellotaped to the ceiling. Bloody pets. But them girls love it.

Get Marshy!

Me and ken Livingstones tart, London. 2008.

Cheryls all lovey duvvy at the moment. She's left me downstairs with a 6 pack of Quaver's, a 24 of Stella and pick of the channels. I found Get Carter one of me favourite films. Michael Cane showing them northern fuckers what for.

I should have been a gangster I'm just like Caney. Demolition and scaffoldings allright but you dont get to kill many people or ride round in open topped sports cars pushing fuckers off multistories. Guns are brilliant, all them sparks and bangs. And its really cool. Al Capone and Robert de Nero, that couldve been me if Id kept away from the poles. Too straight and narrow me. Mind you I wouldnt want to be killed in the end like Caney, I suppose thats the downside.

And Ive got me kids.

driving me MAD!

What next? Our glorious Queen is visiting Turkey and what do the moslems do? Make her dress up in a kebab and make her wear a headscarf. Look at her face above. Shes not happy. She should march back home and order Tony brown to bomb everywhere west of Essex. Could you imagine what would happen if we made there bloody allahs dress up in dog collar and bishops hat every time they wanted to go in an ENGLISH church? Youd have jihads up and down the high street bombing fuckery out of everyone with white skin and a union jack vest on.

Its not on. This is ENGLAND.

stuff you tony brown

Well I aint paying it and Cheryls threatening to get the bike out of the back of the garage - for me to ride of course. Ive just bought a luvvly new 4x4 and what happens, this government decides to push tax up to breaking point. But were british and were not having it. Its half the price in America and there roads are twice as long - and they drive on the wrong side.

Look, were winning the war in Afghanystan and Iraq and theyve got loads of oil, they dont need it for there bloody donkeys so we should just bring it over here and give it to everybody for nothing. Whats the point of war if you can't share out the spoiils of it. You dont think Adolf would have invaded Poland and not nicked there oil would you? He'd have shown them what for, any arguments and they'd be thrown in one of those contemplation camps, thatd wipe the smile off there faces.

Were too bloody soft by half over here. This is great Britian not some third world dump. We used to run this world had colonys everywhere, even america was one once till we got rid of em, bloody yanks.

I,m not having it and neithers Cheryl. Were really cross this evening.

And as for this bloody credit card crunch thing, we got our bill yesterday and the fuckers reckon we owe them for that bloody kitchen. £18000! As if. Cheryl said it would be about 500 quid. I'll be phoning them in the morning mark my words.

not on

Ronnie came home late last night (Reggies still missing) and was showing everyone this huge tatoo shes had done on her bum - I darent even show whats on the other cheek its so foul. Its some sort of devil worship thing. Im taking her back down the shop tomorrow to have it off. Itll probably go septic and shes not eighteen until June. Then shell be frogmarched to church for a word with the vicar.

God bless us all

Beltane fires - I think not!


This is what these so-called 'fires' are used for.


Disgusting ...

I've been invited by someone called Robin Whitlock (Robin Warlock more like) to join a 'facebook' group.

Rather than joining this group I've actually reported it to the police.

Its called bring back the beltane fires.

This is a CHRISTAIN country. Jesus was born here and lived here for 37 years making miracles, gutting fish and spreading His word. He raised leopards from the dead and cured a cough. He walked through water and rarely got his gulliver wet. He died for us.

Pagans want us all to strip off and run through fires, 24 hours a day, 265 days a year.

Ask yourself - could you imagine Queen Victoria, Maggie Thatcher, Winnie Churchill and the good old queen mum stripping down to their pants and socks and leaping through a bonfire to 'celebrate' this evil creed?

Me neither.

What is this great country coming too?

pride!

What a day!! Flags flying from every rooftop, god save the Queen being sung on every street corner and the pubs open until midnight! Weve been steaming! I sent 70 St George cards didnt get one back, but I dont care, its for England. God bless her Majesty Winnie Churchill and all them bulldogs.

Ive never been so proud to be english.

shit Im pissed ...

london tarn

Mickey the Martian, me and Barely Functioning stand in front of Buckingham Palace - God save her!


The London Wheel. Cheryl took the kids on it and they filled it to a depth of about two foot with vomit and sick.


Fucking spoilt diabetics. You can get anythink in London, even special chocolate for the fuckers.


I have a snack in a London caff - look at that bleeding ant on me shoulder, the size of a small child.

We went up to London last week to see Mickey the Martian and Barely Functioning - Dad and mum to you lot. Had a punnet of eels and chips up by the river and yelled abuse at that Ken Livingston bloke as he rode past on his bike. We caused havoc!